Snow Falls, But How Much? Film at Eleven.

We got our first snow of the season yesterday. It looked more impressive last night, but going outside to take pictures would have required me to leave the comfort and adulation of the Kingdom of the Heaven of Unit Six and my acolyte to change out of the pajamas she'd been wearing all day. Let's be honest, she had been wearing them all weekend.

So this morning I walked to work with my acolyte to check out the snowfall. I would have preferred to ride on a litter, but mostly I was in her coat pocket. At one point I was indecorously sprayed by a salt truck. Life is rough when you leave the Kingdom of the Heaven of Unit Six.

Here I am looking coy by some wood pylons.


It may appear that this holly bush is attacking me, but it is actually offering me shelter and love.


Obligatory shot of the Capitol with its nearly imperceptible mantle of snow. (And yes, that street sign does say "G Unit.")


From my vantage point in this tree I can survey my territory and my minions.


This fence looks a bit like a cathedral. A cathedral to me.


All the fences and bare tree limbs make this look like layers of delicate bones assembled in a museum.


The ice makes these berries shiny. That's what I like to see.


I bless this plant with greenness.


And I minister to these poor cold and forlorn pansies.


I visited the embassy of Zimbabwe.


And the fountain in DuPont Circle, which was quite a popular photo spot. I had to wait in line. I could have smited my way to the front of the line, but I am too polite for that. (And don't tell me it's "smote"; I prefer smited. If you have a problem with that I'll smite you and force you to say you were smited when describing it to friends.)




All in all, however, Gretchen is not impressed. Work was not cancelled or even delayed, so I consider it an inadequate snowfall. Try to do better next time, Mother Nature, or you may be deposed by an unassuming looking yet powerful and vengeful ballerina.

Gretchen Says: An Indefinite Number of Commandments

If it's less than a mile away, walk.

I Receive My First Pilgrim

I received my first pilgrim. Miss Chief traveled from Pittsburgh, I'm pretty sure on her knees while uttering prayers the whole way, to spend the weekend. Unfortunately, there is no stream running through the Kingdom of the Heaven of Unit Six in which she could cleanse herself, except for the bathtub (which has jets, so it's pretty cool), but my presence is enough for healing, cleansing, etc.--all your basic spiritual and pilgrimage needs.

Although the Kingdom of the Heaven of Unit Six, as has been previously explained, does not exist in the mortal realm, if it did exist in the mortal realm it would be located in Washington, DC. I lead Miss Chief on a pilgrimage to the monuments that have been raised to me (and fine, perhaps some presidents as well).

I travel in style in a pleather mini-backpack.



Yeah, I know it's like eight years out of date but what can I do? My acolyte is hopeless.

First I dwarfed the Washington Monument with my stature and also with my beauty.



Then Miss Chief and I had a long heart to heart at the Monument with Lincoln in the background. I gave her advice on all aspects of her life. At the end of it she wept a little and vowed undying devotion. I believe her first act upon returning home to Pittsburgh was to erect a shrine to me in her home and illuminate it with an eternal flame that she will tend eternally.

Gretchen Says: An Indefinite Number of Commandments

Be nice to your waitperson and tip well.

iFAQ #2

Why don't you have any companion deities? I'm sure a pretty little goddess like you could get a hunky man-deity of your own.

Pretty? Little? It's gorgeous and intimidating to you, buster. Gretchen is the only deity of The Kingdom of the Heaven of Unit Six. Gretchen does not get lonely as, lest you forgot, she is love. That includes the love of self.

No, really, I want to send you someone to keep you company.

The Kingdom of the Heaven of Unit Six is a magical place that does not exist on the prosaic plane of reality. It can only be found by those who already know where it is and have Jack Sparrow's compass. It is a higher state of being that cannot be reached by the Post Office, Fed Ex, DHL, and especially not by UPS (the scourge of the devil of the Kingdom of the Heaven of Unit Six upon them). So, no, you can't send me anyone to keep me company. Unless he is an attractive, single, heterosexual man who is good at giving foot rubs and likes to vacuum. Or Adrian Brody, regardless of his sexual orientation and foot-rubbing and vacuuming abilities.

I do, however, accept tributary offerings of shiny things by mail. I received the below recently.



Blessings unto the offeree.

Gretchen Says: An Indefinite Number of Commandments

Wash your dishes.






This sight makes Gretchen weep tears of blood and Dawn dishwashing detergent.








The sink is shiny. Gretchen approves.

Gretchen Says: An Indefinite Number of Commandments

Stand up straight.





Note the uprightness of my posture even as I do a perfect arabesque.

Ask Gretchen

Dear Gretchen-

Obeisance and shiny things to you.

I have nothing to wear. This doesn't make any sense because my closet is not literally empty, but somehow there's still nothing to wear in it. I hate all my clothes. They're gross. I'm gross.

I am trying to (choose one from each category):

lose/gain 5-30 pounds
grow breasts/shrink my ass/lose a few ribs
grow eight inches to become a tall and willowy supermodel/shrink eight inches to become petite and dainty,

and until any/all these things happen I don't want to buy anything new. But meanwhile I have nothing to wear. Help!

Full Closet, Empty Wardrobe


Dear FCEC-

Firstly, thank you for your fealty. (See how polite I am? I also say "Pardon me" before I smite someone.)

Secondly, to quote the immortal Cher (being also immortal, I know these things) after she slapped Nicolas Cage in Moonstruck, "Snap out of it!" You are who you are right now, so let's work with that. The point is to look good and feel good now, not to punish yourself until such mythical time as you reach perfection. I am the only one who is perfect. That is why I have the most awesome outfit of all time (though even I get sick of wearing it for all time sometimes).

It's time to clean out your closet. Anything that hasn't been worn in over a year, donate. Try everything on. Get rid of all the ill-fitting clothes you keep around to punish yourself (this means both too large and too small). If it makes you look like a lumpy potato sack, it's gone. Group types of clothes together: pants, shirts, skirts, dresses. Hang your shirts back up by color so you can grab the mood you're in when you're getting dressed.

After you clean out your closet, go through your shiny things. Lay out the choicest morsel on a piece of black cloth. (A black t-shirt will do.) If it is gone in the morning, you will know that Gretchen has been pleased by your offering.

If at the end of this you really have nothing to wear, go shopping--for the person you are right now. Gretchen is love, FCEC, and she is imparting some of that to you.

Kisses and playful smites,
Gretchen

Examples

Before















After:
Offering not accepted! Object not shiny!












Before




















After:
Offering accepted! Gretchen hears your lament!

Book Club

So Thursday night was book club. The book was On Beauty, by Zadie Smith. My acolyte served red beans and rice as a nod to her Louisiana heritage and because the only cooking mentioned in the book is soul food. For dessert there was pudding in individual fancy dessert cups. Gretchen approves of individual fancy dessert cups, or really individual fancy anything.

The secret to good pudding is to get only the cook'n'serve (not instant) variety. If you want it to be rich enough to serve for company, replace each cup of milk called for with 1/4 cup of cream and 3/4 cup water. While it's cooking, stir in a couple of tablespoons of fancy "European drinking chocolate" mix. Frankly, I find the whole "European drinking chocolate" idea a bit ludicrous because, well, it's hot chocolate and this is America. However, I will grant that it makes very rich and delicious hot chocolate, and does an excellent job of pumping up pudding mix. If you don't have any European drinking chocolate (my acolyte used a bit each from both Trader Joe's and Target), you can add extra cocoa powder; be sure to taste to see if you need to sweeten it a little more as too much cocoa will make it bitter. If you plan to serve in individual dessert cups, which I strongly recommend (Gretchen likes good presentation), pour the hot pudding directly into the cups so that each cup gets its own individual little pudding skin. Top with whipped cream from a can.

There was not much discussion of the book. There was, however, plenty of discussion of gynecological care. I myself do not require any such care, but I approve of preventive health care in others, especially if it leads to hilarious incidents involving fuck-me boots and paper gowns.

Gretchen Says: An Indefinite Number of Commandments

Moisturize and wear sunscreen.

iFAQ #1

What is an iFAQ?

An iFAQ is an infrequently asked question. My devotees are too intimidated to actually ask me questions. They content themselves with obeisance and shiny things. So, as usual, I have to do all the work and compose my own iFAQs. Also, adding the "i" makes me hip and relevant, like an iPod (or an iGod).

What, exactly, constitutes your realm?

As a household deity, my realm is not the entire Kingdom of Heaven. I am the deity of The Kingdom of the Heaven of Unit Six.

Wait, so what happens when you travel? Are you just a regular person?

I am never a regular person, partly because I am made of ceramic. But mostly it's because I am surrounded by a sphere of power and authority, kind of like the pink bubble in which the good witch Glinda travels. It makes the little bit of space around me part of The Kingdom of the Heaven of Unit Six, much the way an embassy is foreign soil on native land.

And so it begins...

Well, apparently I'm a deity now. All this chick's mom wanted to do is give her little (32 year old) girl a nice gift for the holidays and now I live on the DVD player and watch over her. It's a big responsibility. I feel that it requires a little creepiness on my part. Deities are not all kindly and benevolent and stuff. I can rain down some fire and brimstone, trust.

There's really not a lot to do here. She cooks a lot, and works out, and does craft-like things. I'm going to need a little more entertainment. She cooked a huge pot of stuff yesterday, so I'm guessing she's having guests. But she hasn't cleaned up the house yet. That is going to change. Gretchen likes a tidy house. And a tidy mind.