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Sunday, January 7, 2007

Ask Gretchen

Dear Gretchen-

Obeisance and shiny things to you.

I have nothing to wear. This doesn't make any sense because my closet is not literally empty, but somehow there's still nothing to wear in it. I hate all my clothes. They're gross. I'm gross.

I am trying to
(choose one from each category):

lose/gain 5-30 pounds
grow breasts/shrink my ass/lose a few ribs
grow eight inches to become a tall and willowy supermodel/shrink eight inches to become petite and dainty,

and until any/all these things happen I don't want to buy anything new. But meanwhile I have nothing to wear. Help!

Full Closet, Empty Wardrobe

Dear FCEC-

Firstly, thank you for your fealty. (See how polite I am? I also say "Pardon me" before I smite someone.)

Secondly, to quote the immortal Cher (being also immortal, I know these things) after she slapped Nicolas Cage in Moonstruck, "Snap out of it!" You are who you are right now, so let's work with that. The point is to look good and feel good now, not to punish yourself until such mythical time as you reach perfection. I am the only one who is perfect. That is why I have the most awesome outfit of all time (though even I get sick of wearing it for all time sometimes).

It's time to clean out your closet. Anything that hasn't been worn in over a year, donate. Try everything on. Get rid of all the ill-fitting clothes you keep around to punish yourself (this means both too large and too small). If it makes you look like a lumpy potato sack, it's gone. Group types of clothes together: pants, shirts, skirts, dresses. Hang your shirts back up by color so you can grab the mood you're in when you're getting dressed.

After you clean out your closet, go through your shiny things. Lay out the choicest morsel on a piece of black cloth. (A black t-shirt will do.) If it is gone in the morning, you will know that Gretchen has been pleased by your offering.

If at the end of this you really have nothing to wear, go shopping--for the person you are right now. Gretchen is love, FCEC, and she is imparting some of that to you.

Kisses and playful smites,



Offering not accepted! Object not shiny!


Offering accepted! Gretchen hears your lament!

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